A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
