My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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