Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
