and my herpes radar will keep us safe
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
