I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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