You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
