phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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