Moan for me like Helen Keller
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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