All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
