i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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