somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize