One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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