Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
