I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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