The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
