great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
