I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
