How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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