And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
