I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
