Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
