i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
