I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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