so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
