So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
