Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize