flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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