I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can I color on your dick again?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
