hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
