Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize