Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize