There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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