i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
