I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
