The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize