I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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