I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
