btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
