I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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