I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You are the jesus of drinking
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
