woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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