Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
