I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
