I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
