My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
it glows. i had to have it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
