Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
