I am midnight drunk by noon
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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