so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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