Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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