Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
