The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
