My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
