So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
