New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
