when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
