im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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