I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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