This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
