I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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