I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
