I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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