she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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