Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
