I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize