You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
