Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
