Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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