But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
