Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
