I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
